though one thing still disturbs me greatly
and I don't know whether I am alone in this
but it is most obvious at night, in the dark
or in the haze, the fog;
that I am not fully there - that there is
in another space, another self, not me
but indistinguishable from me,
yet wholly alien.
it is irksome to know this, and
whilst I have come to learn how to cope,
it never fully leaves me, this thought
that I am fake.
it seems an impossible situation, to be
and not to be at the same time, and to
hide and show as necessary, just so;
yes, the necessity of it is still of
great difficulty. I am not sure
whether to continue or not, to be,
to not be, at the same time.
since, in the past, it worked and
sometimes made it easy.
yet, it is not honest, and I fear
being eaten up from the inside
by this self, and for it
to take over.
then, nothing will be true
but everything will go on as if
and so I leave this query with
utmost confusion and no real
hope of assurance
that my self be saved and the other
to be discarded.